Our orientation toward ourselves plays a huge role in nervous system regulation and in the perception threat versus safety in our limbic system. This blog explores how this impacts our retraining and regulation efforts as well as ways to foster a healthier relationship with self. This exploration will continue in the next blog, focusing on self compassion.
If we look at how our system perceives threats versus safety, we will notice that what informs this perception are things that are happening both externally outside of us and internally within us. External cues may come from our environment and the people around us, coming in through our senses and sending signals to the brain. Internally, signals come not only from our biology & physiology, but also from our thoughts & feelings. Research shows that being highly critical of ourselves triggers our threat and defense systems. In other words, it triggers the amygdala and the maladaptive pathways in our limbic system and it puts our nervous system into a sympathetic state. It doesn't take much to realize that if we are trying to rewire the brain and regulate our nervous system, this orientation toward ourselves is counterproductive to those goals. On the other hand, when we invoke self compassion, we engage our mammalian caregiving system in our brain and nervous system which is far more conducive to putting us in an optimal state for rewiring.

So rather than fighting our experience, being hard on ourselves, trying to force or push ourselves forward in our recovery journey, what if we started to show up for ourselves with kindness? What if we start "being on our own side" as Dr. Rick Hanson puts it?
What does that really mean? Well, instead of pushing away or overidentifying with the parts of us that are struggling or critical, we start to turn toward those parts, we start to create space for them and really observe them. We start to name the separate parts and notice the function or role they are playing. (e.g. "my inner critic part is blaming me", "my inner judge part is saying _____", "my perfectionist part is ________", and so on). We can also label the feelings those parts are having (we name it to tame it, as the saying goes).
Turning toward ourselves in a supportive way is not the same thing as letting the negative thoughts or symptom thought patterns go unopposed. By being the kind observer of the parts, we have separated ourselves from the messages that those parts are telling us. We are no longer over-identified with the thoughts and feelings those parts are having. Instead, we are the ones acknowledging that those are there, accepting that a part of us feels that way while being centered in the greater whole that is more in alignment with our true self, our wise & loving adult self who we know ourselves to be at our core.
This is a process of recognition and realignment with our essential nature. It is a skill that we build, one that requires practice and repetition in order to grow. Remember the fundamental principle of neuroplasticity: our brain changes in response to our environment and in response to our experiences. Our experiences change our brain and likewise our brain changes our experiences. The two go hand in hand.
Addtionally, as we turn toward the struggling or harsh parts of us and we label the emotions and experiences, we are no longer using our resources to repress our experience. Repressing negative emotions actually takes a lot from our nervous system. If you think about it, in order to do that we have to be "defended against" the feelings that might show up. If we are defended, we are not in a state of calm wellbeing. We are not in a state that is conducive to healing.
On the other end of the spectrum, overidentifying with what the inner critic or other negative parts are saying is also very draining, often leading to feelings of shame, helplessness or not being good enough. This also uses up valuable energy and resources. By stepping into the observer we are identifying with the part of us that is showing up for ourselves rather than the part that is expressing those feelings and messages. This has a very different (and way more positive) effect on our neurology, neurochemistry, and nervous system.
I realize these concepts are counter to what is being taught in some brain retraining programs and yet there are other neuroplasticity based programs that embrace these concepts and use them to help people heal, with impressive results (not the least of which include Pain Reprocessing Therapy (PRT), the Heal program, and Dr. Rick Hanson's Positive Neuroplasticity program).
Having a growth mindset can also help support the development of a positive relationship with ourself (for more information on growth mindsets from a previous blog, click here).

My invitation to you this week is to step into your curious observer and from a place of non-judgment look at how it is that you relate to yourself. Are you on your own side? Are you contributing to your positive progress or are you hindering it? What is one small thing that you can change to move yourself towards a loving, more accepting dynamic with yourself? What is one growth mindset statement that you can adopt to support you in this process?
Best wishes!
Caelum's Insights (A Functional Neurology Perspective):
In Dysautonomia (a nervous system regulation condition), nearly every sensory interaction—whether through touch, sight, or sound—can trigger sympathetic activation and lead to feelings of stress and discomfort. Interestingly, one exception to this overstimulation is the sense of smell. Unlike other sensory inputs, smell bypasses the thymus gland and directly stimulates a parasympathetic response, which is responsible for the body's calming and rest-and-digest functions. This makes the use of certain scents, particularly those from essential oils, a powerful tool for helping regulate
symptoms of dysautonomia or even anxiety. Oils such as peppermint and lavender are
especially effective due to their ability to promote relaxation and a calming parasympathetic response, offering natural relief from the overwhelm caused by sympathetic overactivity.
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Candy Widdifield, M.Ed. candywiddifield.com candy.thriving@gmail.com
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